Man oh man, what a deep meeting we had on Monday (7/6/09), our new meeting room is very cool and roomy, and what a way to start our new discipleship chapter, with such depth. I have to be honest, it was one of the heaviest meetings for me personally I have had in a long time. We spoke about how much Jesus loves us, each and every one of us; we were reading from a book titled, "I believe in Love". I must admit I left with a very heavy heart. There were a few people crying, including myself, in the room as we were reading, some were so moved they couldn't even read. Jesus drew it out of us, with assistance from our own Fr. Paul of course.
When it really hit me, was on the way home. I left the meeting as soon as we finished our ending prayer, and I just had to get out of there. I felt burnt out. I felt clogged up somewhere in my heart, its like I know that Jesus loves me, I thank him for all of the blessings he pours down on me all the time, but at the same time, I felt ashamed and just a huge spoiled and unappreciative wretch, undeserving of such a patient unconditional love, feeling very bi-polar, for lack of a better term.
For me, its the knowing part that Jesus loves me, I trust in that, I believe in that, or so I thought/felt. But as we were sharing in the group, it was Fr. Paul and the book explained that Jesus loves us unbelievably more than we could ever think or ever feel. Well, it honestly just made me feel horrible. Why was I feeling of extremes of worthiness in the eyes of God and unworthiness in the eyes of myself. I kept thinking its because, Jesus loves me unfathomably and unconditionally and all I can offer is my unbelievably selfish self, I felt wretched. Especially because, of all that He has blessed me with.
I tried to reason it out like this, all of these blessings I get everyday, well that is just enough love for me, but to love me more than that,,,,,,,,,,, it just seems so wrong on my part,,,,,,,, not on Jesus' part of course, and I just started to cry. I really can't even say what I was crying over, but I felt really sad yet really happy; to really be loved by such a special and perfect love. Knowing deep down in my heart that this is something that could never ever be found on earth.
All of these moments of extremes thaat we have in our lives, we all do. The stuff that makes us feel bad and wasteful because deep deep down I should be doing so much more than what I am doing now. Yet still taking refuge in Jesus' love and mercy He gives 24/7. The bad part is that I see what needs to be changed, know it needs to be changed, continue to get hurt by what hasn't changed, yet still refuse to change. What a complete pstychotic moron, whom would be me, of course.
While driving home in tears, for some reason I reflected on a talk from Fr. David, he is from St. Jochim's in Costa Mesa. He spoke on docility in the spirit, very enriching talk I must say. He said he looked up the word in Websters, and it stated a definition of "easy to manage". Boy, did all of the red flags and whistles go off in my conscience. "Easy to manage" is not really how I would say I was to the Holy Spirit, especially driving on that freeway. To me this is how I was at that moment, I was really happy that Jesus loves me so much more than I know (Thank God) that was one extreme, or one side of the coin.
But at the same time, feeling horrible for how undeserving I have been blessed with. I was really going in circles, the other exteme, this bi-polarity of extremes. How is one to be docile in the extemes of life, when not feeling very manageable? Again, Fr. David had mentioned it is when we are not settled, or at times of hardship personally or communally, that is the perfect time to be docile to the spirit. At first it sounded wacky, then two weeks later as I was in tears in the car on the way home , it made some sense in a wacky way. Docility to the Holy Spirit, this is one way, we are able to live in the depths of the mystery of Love in this world.
These are the moments, according to Fr. David we should practice docility to the Spirit. Maybe it is like being docile to the surrendering of our selves, "me, myself and I" completely humbled, to the love and will of God. I am not saying this is a complete and total surrender, for me its like phases/processes in surrendering, hoping and trusting one day, I will be free. And each moment we do this we are surrendering to Jesus at all kinds of levels we have no clue about. Fr. David had said we needed to be docile to the to any level of surrender because that will keep us close to Christ, which is what our ultimate goal should always be.
It's hard to surrender to ways, thought patterns or habits that we have lived by for so long. Fr. David shared that prior to him becoming a priest, he was a fireman, he had been a fireman for 10+years. He compared smoldering of a physical fire to when we are feeling smoldered in extremes, like when we get lost in a situation we know nothing about and have no control over. We smolder in our hearts, in our minds, we fuel the "wrongness" of any situation, we get, and I quote Fr. David, "bitter or better" from the experience . So while smoldering or feeling the heat, this is a perfect time to practice, practice docility. The whole room giggled then, I'm giggling still just thinking about it.
But in thinking back at it now, doesn't that sound like something that Jesus would say, I could see Him saying that to me in the car, "Yes, you will be smoldering, personally and spiritually, but just be docile (have faith and believe) and know that I am with you." It sounds so simple and easy , yet not so easy and simple for us to do is it.
It is not impossible to do, just not easy, especialy in the times when we have to deal with the burns we cause and the burns we obtain. Not letting the burn scars prohibit us from becoming closer to Jesus Christ, in His union of Love that He has for each and every one of us. We just have to be docile/mangageable enough to let Jesus be our friend,and for Him to deepen our own relationship with Him. Jesus has, Jesus does and Jesus will always help us with the smoldery days that goes on outside and inside ourselves. But when that happens, the smoldering can make us either "bitter or better." These are the two choices we have within our free will, living in this bi-polar society. When we learn to see HOW we are, when we getting deepend, and wanting to get better in Christ, not bitter at Christ, especially in the maintenance, of the gardens of our soul when it is being tended to by our gardeners, The Holy Trinity.
Its funny because it sounds so bi-polar, and felt so so bi-polar, wretchedness and happiness in one moment. Oh, those depths of love.....as I sit here typing and pondering, I sure am glad that I will never understand the unfathomable depths of the love of God. No, I will never understand the love Jesus has for me, but I will try everyday to be forever grateful. Yes, I need to re-do facets of my life so that I may love Him more, serve Him more. But for right now, I am going to take Fr. Paul's advice, and just offer to God his own heart back to Him. That is all I can offer, I honestly don't really understand what that all entails, and probably better off that way really. I just have to keep offering Jesus' heart to the Father in the most docile way I know how, sincerely and happily. And let the rest take care of itself, just the way God designed us all to. God Bless to you all. Amen.
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